Well. It happened. Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could watch the Cats trailer, they didn’t stop to think if they should watch the Cats trailer.
Late today, the star-studded, digitally furred first glimpse of conceptually bewildering film dropped. Directly on me. We all knew it would be a lot. I mean, it’s Taylor Swift and Jennifer Hudson somehow as cats singing on extra large furniture. We’re not exactly talking mumblecore here. But the two minutes and twenty-three seconds of trailer that we were given are, without hyperbole, some of the most deeply disturbing images ever put on screen. Midsommar could never. Hereditary found dead in a ditch.
I am at a loss for words beyond, “WHY GOD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE THIS?”
Like, I know JHud sings that a new day has begun but—hear me out—what if the new day ended immediately? What if it was erased from my mind, Eternal Sunshine-style? What if I changed my name, moved to a deserted island, shed all my belongings, and spent the rest of my years trying, desperately, to forget?
By 90 seconds into the trailer I had already texted my psychiatrist and told her I needed to schedule an emergency session despite her strict “No screaming about movie trailers” rule. Whatever, Dr. Tuttle, just charge me extra.
How do I feel about the Cats trailer? How do you think I feel? Betrayed. Bewildered. I am trying to process. Dr. Tuttle says that I will experience the five stages of grief as I let go of my former life before I saw the Cats trailer. Let’s go through them together.
Okay, absolutely not.
There is not a movie named Cats. The cats in the movie named Cats do not have some fur but also fur-colored skin and also fingers and breasts maybe?? Nope. That is not a thing that is happening in this world.
The cats look like the alien that Joaquin Phoenix sees in Signs and therefore this is something that I just dreamt and not something that is happening in any way shape or form.
I mean let’s be real: this is not a creature that I my brain can make any sense of.
Is this Stitch from Lilo and Stitch? Is this Panic! At the Disco? Nope. It’s not a thing. This isn’t happening!
Serious question: where is the rest of Jennifer Hudson’s head? Sis is going to win a second Oscar with part of her head digitally missing and I am furious! I am so furious I refuse to even make the obvious pun here. I WILL NOT.
James Corden, who I believe is playing The Penguin from Batman Returns spits on another cat and we’re supposed to just roll with it. NOT ON MY WATCH.
ALSO! Idris Elba looks SEXY AS HELL and I am MAD about it in a way that is very confusing to me. Sexually!
Some cats wear coats and hats and some cats are naked and I want to throw a chair about this whole thing.
How can we make this right? If I stop holding a grudge about Russell Crowe’s speak-singing in Les Mis, will Tom Hopper bury this trailer in the backyard like Carly Rae Jespen’s disco album?
What if I go see Cats on stage. And wait at the stage door for autographs? Will that help?
Should I buy a cat?! DOES THE CAT WANT TO PLAY WITH A GIANT BRA? WILL THAT APPEASE IT?
Question: where are all the humans? Have the humans become cats? Is this the nature of the curse?
HOW CAN I REVERSE THE CURSE?
Taylor Swift is holding a bedazzled urn of catnip and that would normally send me into fits of camp ecstasy. But like Morales in A Chorus Line, I feel nothing.
WAIT. She’s wearing character shoes also! The cat is wearing characters shoes! Like she’s auditioning to play Shelia in A Chorus Line. WHY? I am broken.
I’m going to see this movie literally 100 times.