It is a well-known fact that Elizabeth Warren has a plan for everything. She’s got a plan for the country, for the economy, for that weird spot on your living room wall where you don’t know whether to hang a painting or a shelf or what. She’s been talking with your trainer about next steps and she has a friend she’d like you to meet because she’s pretty sure you’d get along really well. Your lunch, she packed it; your thoughts, just thought it.
I want to believe that Elizabeth Warren’s cozy enclave in New England is actually a front for a Professor X-style supercompound where she goes into her Cerebro chamber and gazes out at all over humanity while updating a spreadsheet and muttering, “I thought so.”
One of the many possibilities Elizabeth Warren saw before you were even born was that Fox News would eventually extend an invitation for Warren to hold a town hall on the network. Here’s leaked footage of Fox right after sending the email to Warren:
Of course, since Warren already knew this was going to happen, she had already prepared a response that was written with actual lava on a stone tablet. She also poured you a glass of water for you drink after you choke whilst reading her reply.
SHE SAID HARD PASS. I must be the villain in an environmental movie because I am clutching all the pearls in the ocean.
She really sat down in a coffee shop in Iowa, asked the barista for the WiFi password, bought a scone, opened up Microsoft Word, had a collegial conversation with Clippy, and then went absolutely H.A.M. on the entire network of Fox News, the premise of Fox News, and the notion of Foxes and News, for good measure.
Elizabeth Warren treated Fox News like the whole network was Jonah Ryan on Veep. She probably could have gone on for another 12 pages, just dunking on Fox News, and finding creative ways to say they’re racist.
Instead, she concluded by twirling on the haters, reminding Fox News and the world that she’s already held 17 town halls and 131 interviews. She’s answered 1,100 questions since January (you know she personally has a spreadsheet that she compares with the spreadsheet of the staffer whose job it is to keep track of this.) Elizabeth Warren told Fox News, “Maybe you didn’t know but I am the news. To quote the poet Lil’ Kim, ‘I know you heard me on the radio (true)'”
Elizabeth Warren saw this invite coming and swatted it away like Serena Williams proving why she’s the G.O.A.T. Elizabeth Warren scrolled through the multiverse like Dr. Strange to try to come up with a damn to give about Fox News, and finding none, she dropped the hammer and went about her day. She hired an ice cream truck to sit outside the Fox News headquarters blasting this Ed Sheeran song from 2011 all day. For synergy.
Did she have to go this hard on Fox News? Well, yes. Everyone should. They are hellbent on spreading lies and sowing division so a polite RSVP isn’t necessarily called for. Nevertheless, this statement is a work of art. She opens with the “Fox News is a hate-for-profit racket.” A racket! ::airhorn sound:: I haven’t heard someone call anything a racket in a hot minute. Elizabeth Warren is out here dragging folks all the way back to Oklahoma, OK?
Elizabeth Warren could have done this all in two words: “YOU THOUGHT” but she graced us with an eloquent and well planned (of course) explanation for her reasoning that also, fortunately for us, reads like a Comedy Central Roast. Picture Martha Stewart getting up after Elizabeth Warren and reading from a TelePrompTer, “Fox News is so bigoted, they thought Racially Tinged was the name of a new 22-year-old Fox & Friends anchor.” I would pay big bucks to see this.
This Elizabeth Warren “Thank U, Next” letter is my new audition monologue and my Pledge of Allegiance and the name of my first-born child. I want to have it turned into a beautifully designed print on Etsy and hang it in that weird space on my living room wall. Just like Elizabeth Warren planned.
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